If you aren't a cliche yet, then 21st Century: you is doing it wrong.

When future generations look back on this decade, they're are probably going to come to the conclusion that everyone went collectively crazy. Future history textbooks will wtf until whole classes rofl in amazement. And it is only now, with some sort of hindsight, are we capable of observing this Jung-validating shared unconscious batshit brain-fever.

Lacking a coherent cultural identity, people reverted to the sins of their forebears. But in Lite version. Goths kids became emos. Nu-rave occurred out of a sense of obligation to old rave, minus the rave. Kid presidents went to war with (literally) half the troops and (probably) double the lies of their fathers.

Petrol prices rose because governments now had access to more oil. Houses were an emblem of being in the landed gentry instead of just being kind of a necessity of existence. The price of university education tripled, but no-one noticed because we were busy reinventing the wheel internet. Everything became everything else until it morphed back into what it was supposed to incorporate, phones became cameras and games consoles until they were pretty bad at being phones anymore.

Then houses became millstones, natural disasters became de rigeur and terrorists became as inept as their potential thwarters. Flight was a privilege once more, babies were on the register of potential flight risks because the list didn't take into account that more than one person could have the same name and Cat Stevens, singer of Peace Train, was denied entry to the USA because his name contained the word Islam. People on trains were arrested (if lucky) and shot (if not) for looking foreign. This was rare, though, because even catching a train was a feat of incredible stamina and vitality.

We finally admitted to killing the planet slowly, and reacted by holding a massive energy draining worldwide event that killed it faster. We finally admitted that we were putting poor people in other countries in positions of further poverty through debt extensions, so we held a worldwide concert that cost their average GDP COMBINED. The most revolutionary move anyone made was to change a lightbulb, and almost no-body is aware that when they break, the mercury content means you have to leave the room for a day or two.

York is already pretty weird, but today I have seen a headline telling me that a bar somewhere has installed knife detection machines, my favourite retro shop is shutting, the flood waters are higher than ever and I've just seen a "Faith Hero" guitar game in a Christian Book Shop based on Guitar Hero but with silver frets. A black president arrives, Britain scoffs at America's backwards ways and no-one questions whether or not is could possibly happen here. Because Thatcher was a woman? Are women the new black?

And none of this even registers as a concern to me as I drain my last pennies in search of a drink. We prided ourselves on our liberal attitude so we banned smoking anywhere near another human being. Blaming health risks, we made drinking a 24 hour affair in a country with one of the worst drink problems on the planet. Then we blamed the NHS when we all got sick from cirrosis and pneumonia (because we had to smoke outside while the weather took up the same logic as everyone else).

AND

The only question left for me to ask myself as a resident of such a world, my only concern, as I flit from pavement to pavement, is what kind of hat would go with a burgundy suit?